Last week. I took a huge leap of faith with my business. I steam cleaned my carpets. I worked 10 hours a day. I made dinners my kids called yucky. I let them watch more tv than I am proud of. I never got my kids to fall asleep before 9:30. And then I lost it.
Because they don’t care. Because they are two and four. Because they are jerks. They are all jerks. I said it. My children are jerks. I am praying being a jerk is just a phase.
Sunday was night 12. Twelve nights in a row where they fought for at least 2 hours about bedtime. Twelve nights of excuses: potty, hunger, thirst, pain, fear. Not twelve nights of a new born who cuddles and nurses. Twelve nights of a 4 year old who accuses me of forgetting to feed him lunch and a two year old who knows how to open his bedroom door and runs wildly through the house at all hours of the night. Twelve nights.
And Sunday night it was over. We all saw this coming. I have been teetering on the edge since about night 8. But Sunday night was it. It was the night I lost my $hi#. And it is okay. They still seem to love me. We are okay.
Hank cried a little when I said Christmas was canceled. Gus banged on the door for a solid fifteen minutes when I wedged it closed. But they will survive. They will not go on to someday tell their therapist about the night I screamed like a wild woman. They will not have mommy issues (well at least not because of this incident).
Maybe, just maybe, they will actually be better because of it. Maybe they will recognize the look of fragility in their future spouses wife. Maybe they will not intentionally drive me completely crazy. Maybe…they will not grow up to be jerks. I can only pray.
Shake it off mamas. You are doing everything you can. Maybe too much. If you lose your $hi#, it is okay. You will be okay. And I promise, your kids will be okay.